


stay right here and burn in it all day

by rubiconjane



Category: Hannibal (TV), Kingsman: The Secret Service (2015)
Genre: ALL TEH ADVERBS, Bad Art, Crack, Crack Crossover, Crossover, Deliberate Badfic, M/M, Nonnies Made Me Do It, Other, Parody, Unauthorised Product Shilling, and epithets, my magnum opus tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-20
Updated: 2015-03-20
Packaged: 2018-03-18 20:05:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3582180
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rubiconjane/pseuds/rubiconjane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hannigram meets Hartwin. </p>
<p>It results in unmanifested death threats, daddy swapping, and dogs falling in wuv.</p>
            </blockquote>





	stay right here and burn in it all day

**Author's Note:**

  * For [gregorianpeas](https://archiveofourown.org/users/gregorianpeas/gifts).



> Written for Bad Bang IV.

It happened at a random park on an otherwise ordinary day. 

Hannibal noticed him first.

"Will! You're alive! And beautifully unscarred! How can this be?" Hannibal demanded, needing answers. "I stabbed you with the intention to kill." Why had his prey not possessed the good sense to submit to the sacred oblivion of eternal darkness Hannibal Almighty had so generously offered? The hunter could feel his rage  s i m m e r i n g...

A blood-coloured winged creature ominously flew down, and the mood became tense. Eventually the avian harbinger settled down onto the ground somewhere between them and began pecking for crumbs. 

"I'm magic, Hannibal," admitted Wilhelm. (The man once named "Will" went by "Wilhelm" now-- it was more dignified. Magically resurrected corpses of Wilhelm's stature did not suffer the bane of commonplace nicknames. Cheating death changed one  _irrevocably_.) He added vengefully, "I would have told you this eventually if you hadn't activated my dormant power of immortality by violently murdering me."

"But it appears I did you a favour," Hannibal pointed out. In his time away, he'd gotten into the reprehensible habit of verbalising the obvious. Bedelia had found it so annoying she tricked him into returning to the US.

"I thought you were in love with me," Wilhelm said reproachfully. "How could you kill me?"

"I believed you did not return my feelings. I decided that if I couldn't have you, no one could." Hannibal gazed at him adoringly; the love he had felt for Will (er, Wilhelm) flooded his veins and arteries in a sudden rush.

Wilhelm thought it was a creepy but rather romantic explanation, and he felt the ice in his heart thaw (literally, because he was magic). He rushed into the cannibal's warm and tender embrace, about to seal the deal once and for all--

"Oi! Make your dog stop humpin' JB!" interjected a chavvy voice. It rather ruined the moment, thought Wilhelm resentfully. Startled by the loud noise, the red bird on the ground flew away. Everyone watched solemnly as it departed in flight. 

Before Hannibal could vow death by surgical torture upon this uncultured and _rude_ individual, up strolled a refined middle-aged gentleman who could give Hannibal a run for his money in the art and science of elegance. Hannibal suddenly had suit envy, for the first time in his entire life. 

"Harry Hart. Pleasure to make your acquaintance," said the stranger, whacking his companion in the shin with his extremely decorative cane (which also happened to be very functional). "Please excuse Eggsy-- he's rather distressed at the moment."

" 'Course I am! His big brutish dog is trying to knot poor JB!" protested Eggsy. 

Mmmm, Eggsy. What a yummy name, thought Hannibal. He tried to sniff the young man discreetly.

"Hannibal, you're not allowed to kill the boy," Wilhelm lectured his new Hanni-pie.

"But my love, killing him would mean another dog for you to cherish," Hannibal whispered silkily. Wilhelm wavered indecisively.

The fancy and austere British gentleman interrupted Wilhelm's uneasy deliberation process. "Hannibal, Scipio-- I'm afraid I won't allow you to kill my little egg pudding--"

"Don't call me that!" yelped Harry's piece of jailbait ass (but not really, the lad was like twenty-five).

"My name is Will," growled Will (as the Wilhelm thing clearly wasn't sticking). 

"My apologies. You didn't introduce yourself and I was unable to pick up your name from contextual cues since we began our interaction," said Harry. "In any case, I am magically enabled also, so don't try any tricks on us." Will suddenly felt like a schoolboy being chided, and he looked at Harry's cane longingly. It was thick and hard and pretty.

Eggsy and Harry exchanged a meaningful glance.

"Wanna swap daddies for a bit?" Eggsy waggled his eyebrows at Will. 

Will shrugged and tried to be as casual as possible. "Okay."

Hannibal sputtered. Nobody paid him any heed.

"Oh, by the way, Winston can impregnate males," said Will, secretly hoping someone would ask how that fact was discovered.

But Eggsy was too busy pawing at a confused Hannibal to hear Will's words. Somehow the boy had made lightning work of Hannibal's zipper and he looked up at the cannibal through his lashes, enquiring cheekily: "Does your cum taste like people?" 

Eggsy was an afternoon delight, indeed.

Harry could read between the lines, though. He sighed and motioned for Will to get on his lap. "You naughty, filthy boy. Very well, keep count to one hundred," he said, reaching for his cane.

After having their fun, Harry and Eggsy arrested Hannibal and Will and put them away in a maximum-security federal prison for life (Hannibal, for murdering his colleagues; Will, for refusing to leave Hannibal's side-- after all, he hadn't even gotten to sleep with Hannibal yet and didn't want to wait for future conjugal visits!)

Merlin congratulated the Kingsman agents on a job well done and informed them that they were granted custody of Winston, hurrah!

During their first week in prison, Hannibal and Will engineered the murder of (and ingested) 65 inmates. After the 65th mysterious death, a stray prison guard finally figured out it was them and reported it. The inmate-killing partners-in-crime made headlines around the world, and were scheduled to get the death penalty. One super epic (but ultimately insufficient) attempt at escape later, Hannibal Lecter and Will Graham received lethal injections. Prison had sapped Will of his magic (even though he had enjoyed being Hannibal's prison bitch), so he ended up dying permanently this time. 

"Aces!" remarked Eggsy, upon hearing the news. The upstart duo known as Hartwin were one step closer on their path to Ship Supremacy. "Who d'ya wanna annihilate next, Destiel or Sterek?"

"No need to do more than minimal work on this one-- let's get them to destroy each other," said Harry sagely. Then he proceeded to pretentiously quote some obscure passage or other from Sun Tzu's _Art of War_ while Eggsy swooned at his Daddy's educated worldliness.

Two months later, JB gave birth to a litter of six adorable and mischievous puppies as Winston looked on proudly. The puppies would eventually be incorporated in the Kingsman candidate training programme.

Merlin worked his technological wizardry and gave each puppy an adapted Apple Watch (aluminium, 38mm Sport edition, only US$349!) of their very own, while Roxy looked on and cooed at the little darlings.

 

_The end._

 

[BUY AN APPLE WATCH, GUYZ! IOS >>> ANDROID, AMIRITE?!!!

Disclaimer: This message and story above was not in any way, shape or form, sponsored or endorsed by Apple.]

 


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